A Guide to Diners

It was a bright and sunny Saturday afternoon. My husband had just finished the midnight shift as a police officer working the I-64 Interstate between Richmond and Williamsburg. Many times when he gets off of work I am already awake, because as a teacher, 6 am is considered sleeping in. He changed out of his uniform and put on jeans and t-shirt that had a picture of a salt shaker with a nun chuck attacking a helpless pepper shaker and it said, “A salt with a deadly weapon.” Stop laughing at the dorkiness; I picked out the shirt. I threw on my jeans and my Yankees baseball cap over my wildly wavy hair and climbed in the car. It was time for Honey Butters.

Honey Butters is a southern diner that we love to go to. They have great toast, great pancakes, and great corned beef hash among other things. I wrote a restaurant review about it on another blog, and you can click this link to check it out if you are curious. That particular day, I ordered some delectable waffles that came with baked apples and a side of bacon. It does not get any better than this; Cracker Barrel had nothing on it.

While I was eating, a tourist couple that was visiting Williamsburg and sat at the booth next to us. I could tell that they were from New York, because everyone could with that accent. Plus, they were loud. Really loud. I think some northerners don’t realize to take the decibel down once they cross the Mason Dixon Line. Very loudly, the wife was complaining that the hotel concierge recommended this diner for breakfast. She exclaimed, “It’s innna strip mawl!” She did not like the menu. The blinds on the windows annoyed her. She complained about the décor. The service was not up to her standards. As I was shaking my head, my inner New York Yiddish voice exclaimed, “Oy vey!”

As I was listening to the assaults of a favorite restaurant that bruised the air between us, I realized that Northerners and Southerners have very different concepts of diners. Therefore, I have made a list of differences below. Wherever your diner is, the food should be good, it just will look (and sound) very, very different.

Décor

Northern Diners: New York diners have lights that scream “LOOK AT ME!” In case you miss it, they are covered in mirrors to reflect the lights so you look twice. The lights are usually a unique neon color, usually pink, slime green, or turquoise. Therefore, if you miss it, then ti pazzo. See the picture below of my diner growing up in Centereach, NY. You can’t miss the Suffolk Diner.

Southern Diners: Also called “Greasy Spoons” (my husband pronounces it “greezy” spoon) can be any type of building, often dumpy looking. Sometimes it has country décor, sometimes no décor. I have always gotten the feeling that the owners didn’t build the place to show off. They built it to feed you. See my review on the Five Forks Cafe for more info.

Music

Northern Diners: My experience at the Suffolk Diner always included Billy Joel. He was the King. Whether “A New York State of Mind,” “Pressure,” “Piano Man,” or any other one of his bazillion songs was playing on the speakers, it was like each and every person had to pay homage by singing a line or three when their favorite came on the radio.

Southern Diners: It’s old school country. I have had to learn some of the song titles for this rockabilly craziness and most of them I had never heard before in my life. Patsy Cline is inevitable. Other songs are “Maybeline,” “Can’t You Be True,” or “Jolene” from Dolly Parton. Personally, I could do without them, but always find it endearing when you hear the cook in the back getting down to “On the Boardwalk.”

Owners

Northern Diners: The Greeks. The Greeks own the diners. That’s just what they do. This is why many times when you open a menu to a diner up north, there will be odd Greek dishes on the menu, such as dolmades. I really do like the baklava though.

Southern Diners: Ma and Pop. They cooked for their kids, why not cook for you, too?

Menu

Northern Diners: Anything. Really anything. The menu is like a novel. Breakfast, lunch, dinner… whatever. Everything will be there except white gravy. Even if it is not on the menu, if they know you, they’ll make it… unless it’s white gravy. Don’t order white gravy in the North, got it?

Southern Diners: It is country cookin’ at its finest. White gravy is safe to order here if you like it. You can order chipped beef gravy with toast, also known as Sh*t on a Shingle. Sometimes there is scrapple (if you don’t know what it is, don’t look it up). They make the best pancakes and the best corned beef hash (but don’t tell my Irish kin up North I said that…) Burgers, porkchops, fried cat fish with okra and hush puppies! Ymmm…..

Liquor and Desserts (in some cases, is it not the same?)

Northern Diners: There is always a bar and it is usually right next to the baker case. When I went to visit back some, sometimes I liked to order a shot of Baileys for dessert, but that would mean forgoing the bakery case. I miss the bakery case. They had napoleons, rainbow cookies, and rice pudding. Devil’s Food cake, cheesecake, chocolate cheesecake, lemon meringue, and apple turnovers. As a kid, it was heaven. As a grown woman, it is the worse temptation.

Southern Diners: Ma and Pop usually have their favorite specialties to order. It might be an apple pie or a sweet potato pie. Banana pudding is one of my favorites. 

-Billie